I Could Probably Eat a Pound of Baby Carrots but I Won’t Because of Self Restriction

This was originally only going to be a tomato with legs but that’s just how it be sometimes.

I’m a tree. I’ve got gnarled roots residing all over the ground, it’s very deep and goes very wide. You are the rain clouds and carry something like advice-rain I don’t know. Let’s crack down on some advice.

Why are tomatoes so gross?

-anonymous

This isn’t really an advice needing question, but more like a call to action because tomatoes are so overrated. They aren’t even good raw! Like they’re like nature’s cysts. Popping a bitter sauce of just overall not goodness. I am just disgusted, like even the thought of biting into a raw tomato fills me with liquid fear. I’m calling out a certain someone right now. I know I can’t actually write your name but you know who you are, I mean unless you aren’t actually reading this but, cherry tomatoes are gross!! >:(

That’s all the advice I have for you today. Was that advice? I don’t think it was at all but we always have till next week. As always, if you have a question you want answered, ask it here : https://goo.gl/forms/mOpRB3FkYFj7RgMn2

“Keep it 10% Luigi, and 90% freaky.”

-ab-so-lutely

A Crush is a Six out of Ten Soda, and a Five out of Ten Life Experience

 

If you think about it, the stages of grief also work with having a crush if you are also both internally emotional, and dramatic.

Hi everyone I’m a sword-wielding knight. I’m here to cut down your advice needs like a dragon in a wild fairy tale. It’s all very professional.

“How can I tell if a boy likes me?”

-anonymous

Hahaha, funny question. If you find the answer anonymous, please tell me. This is a very hard question for me to answer for multiple reasons, 1.) I’m not a guy, 2.) Not every person shows their feelings the same way, and 3.) I have no idea what your personal situation is like. Anyways, if you’re asking this question my guess is that if you really think they like you, they probably do and you’re just being really aloof to their actions, or alternatively, maybe you just misread some signs they’ve been giving off. Crushes and having crushes is just a weird and often overly complicated experience. Like it’s nice occasionally, but mostly exhausting and you find yourself overly caring about everything that they think or see you as. “Oh no! I think my crush finds me extremely annoying/Oh no! Does my crush mutually like me/Oh no! My crush doesn’t even notice me/etc..” Honestly, it’s all very very tiring and maybe instead of trying to find out if he likes you or not, just take a step back and take a break. While you read this, spend like two minutes not caring about anything at all.

Now that you’re done not caring, here’s a list of potential signs that someone likes you: 1. They go out of their way to talk to you.  2. Eye contact.  3. They tell you that they like you.  4. Every time you’re near a puddle they throw their coat on it as a makeshift bridge. 5. They’ve been giving you large amounts of money for about 10 weeks now.  6. You’re married.  7. Your zodiac signs are compatible but also you’ve been dating for almost 6 months already.  8. They exclusively send you texts in secret codes that take days to understand.  9. Whenever you’re near them they melt into a puddle like the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz.  10. When you two got stuck in the wilderness for a month, they punched a bear to save your life, despite the fact that they would have had more resources left for themselves to survive if you died.

Well, that’s all I have today. I’m sorry for how underqualified I am at this but good luck. If you have any questions you want to be answered, send them here: https://goo.gl/forms/BJRMlvdiBgfFuqKq2

“keep it 10% weepy and 90% freaky”

-ab-so-lutely

Absolutely Revolting, I am DISGUSTED, I Can’t Believe I Had to See that With My Own TWO EYES

It’s been a gross year to be a living breathing human being.

I am disgusted, you are the disdain that currently resides in my eyes. We are a team now, and it’s time to give out some terrible, no-good, absolutely horrible, advice.

“The holidays are coming up and my parents keep on telling me to get  a girlfriend/job/etc. How do I handle winter break?”

-Anonymous

Easy Path: just don’t talk to your family. No one will be nagging you if you literally can’t hear them. Invest in earplugs, blindfolds, sensory deprivation chambers, learn how to sleep with your eyes open. The best way to avoid confrontation is avoiding someone altogether (that’s a really bad piece of advice, confrontation is uncomfortable but it’s one of the many things you need to accept and learn how to take as life goes on).

Hard Path: be so amazing in everything that they will have literally nothing to criticise you on. Don’t have a boyfriend? Hire one. Ask one of your friends who you think has a lot of traits that you can brag about, slide him a 20 dollar bill, and enjoy the awkward small talk about how you’re “relationship” is going. No job? No problem! Have your friends build a fake business and hire you in. This is clearly the most obvious and easiest way to get your parents and relatives to leave you alone. Is there a cousin who’s the same age as you in your family but they just seem to be the best in everything? Fight them for dominance and take the crown as best niece or nephew. You will need to train for the fight, so go out there and practice a mean right hook!

Dangerous Path: if you don’t fear death or you don’t treasure your life, holiday clapbacks. By the time you’ve said two of these, all the other relatives should be too intimidated by you, or you’re dead. Either way, now you don’t have to worry about your holiday going sour due to disappointment and shame.

It’s winter break right now so enjoy the holiday season. Send your questions in here: https://goo.gl/forms/BJRMlvdiBgfFuqKq2 Thanks 🙂

“keep it 10% sneaky, and 90% freaky”

ab-so-lutely

 

Been Excited Especially Not In Soup

This drawing gives an extremely obnoxious aura. It must have been cursed to look incredibly annoying. I am so peeved from this picture but I can’t get rid of it because I don’t want to draw something else to replace this.

Hi! I’m a human being and so are you. I’m so glad we have this connection now. Let’s get to giving advice!

Recently, I discovered that one of my best friends has been hanging out with a new kid a lot, and I’ve been feeling left out. Also, I’m not sure, but I get the feeling that they both hate me. What can I do that will make the situation better for me, but won’t ruin my relationship with my friend?

-anonymous

Well, that’s certainly a bummer but there’s still a way that you can make this situation better. Talk to your friend, it could be you’re just feeling paranoid about everything and your friend doesn’t hate you, but if you do talk to them, and you do find out they hate you, run 500 miles away from that direction because who needs a friend who hates you? Another thing you could do which is incredibly hard and a daunting feat, make new friends. I completely understand how hard it is to make new friends and to meet new people, but when the time does come, you’ll need to step up and meet some new people.

I’m so tired of typing, that’s why this is so short, but if you need advice send something in so I can answer it. https://goo.gl/forms/BJRMlvdiBgfFuqKq2

“keep it 10% squeaky and 90% freaky”

-ab-so-lutely

I Took Piano Lessons When I Was Six and I Only Learned How to Play One Song Using Three Notes and I,

a surrealist painting I made just for you to enjoy, I really need for you to understand what this title is trying to show you.

Welcome back! I’m that brown-red ketchup stain you got on your new white tee, oh no! You use those laundry stain pens and scrub, but through it all, I still remain. Today’s theme is both hot-dogs, branding, and music. Let’s go through the question that needs advice today.

I’m a new and upcoming SoundCloud rapper, I currently have five listeners and 10 followers and I really think I have the potential and the clout to make it, but how can I get my brand across to other people?

-@sanjaysmith

First, locate your theme. What is the vibe you want to give off when people see you and your potential brand? Are you going for; “High Fashion but Low Stress”, “Black, Red, and All That Edge”, “Cough Syrup”, “Cloud Clout”, “Soft Boy, Soft Beats”, “Californian Night Rides”,  there are lots of personas you could go for and if you can pull it off well enough, then you are pretty much set. Second, make merchandise. Here’s a tip, even if you’re music is subpar, if your merchandise looks good, like something you would wear for just the look, then people will buy it and technically helping develop your brand. Would this be expensive? Yes, but if you’re really set on fame, then u gotta pay the price. Lastly, if you want to make a name for yourself anywhere you’ve got to find some niche interest to latch onto you that people will associate with you. Perfect.

So that’s all I have.

“Stay 10% sleazy and 90% freaky”

-ab-so-lutely

Everything is REALLY OVERWHELMING and it Feels Bad

Just like this stressed out court jester I have drawn, failure is breathing down my neck and I may actually implode, each one of the cursed balls represents a potential falling grade and I am in peril.

Hi I’m that pile of homework you still haven’t done, constantly in your peripheral vision and a constant weight on your shoulders. Let’s go through some advice!

I have a wild addiction to my phone. No matter what I do I can’t put it down! It’ll be close to midnight and I’ll still have a history chapter to read and I’ll still be scrolling on Instagram! What advice do you have for destroying my addiction?? -anonymous

Phones are so hard to avoid. Like I’m in love with my portable internet screen, and I definitely get the moment you’re talking about. It’s 10-o-clock and you’re finally going to get more than 5 hours of sleep, but then as you lay your head on the pillow, you’re suddenly hit with the urge to look up the musical Cabaret and now you’re down a long path of Alan Cumming’s cinema career (on an alternate note, Alan Cumming played Floop in the modern day masterpiece that is Spy Kids 2). So how can you avoid this from happening? First, if your phone charger is near your bed, move it. The biggest thing you can do is to keep your phone out of your literal reach. If you’re worried you won’t be able to hear your alarm, then make sure it’s on blast and you have the most annoying alarm you can think of. The second thing you can do is set out a certain amount of time you’ll be on your phone. Set a timer on your phone and hide it in a drawer or something and get really productive. If you are worried about missing texts or calls, send a text to some people who would potentially text you and just give them a heads up or something. Then bam! look at how productive you are, you’re pretty much set for life.

This is so small compared to the other hulking chunks of writing I’ve seen, but I think it’ll be fine this time. If you want advice send it here https://goo.gl/forms/BJRMlvdiBgfFuqKq2

“Keep it 10% sneaky and 90% freaky”

ab-so-lutely

 

Cool Title Cancelled, Only Pain

Just like the monstrous creature I’ve put into existence through illustration, I too am in high levels of pain. 

Hi, I’m that stuffy nose that can’t be blown out of your system and I’m here in all my mucus covered glory to throw tissue balls of advice at your screen. My body has literally betrayed me and has made me miss 2 days of school, where all I could do was lay in bed, sleep, and play Animal Crossing Pocket Camp. So instead of giving advice to questions that have been already asked, here’s a guide on getting back on track after missing school for sickness.

Step One: THE E-MAIL IS YOUR BEST FRIEND                                                              Currently what I’m doing is writing multiple e-mails to my teachers apologizing for my absence and telling the harrowing tale of what I had been going through for the past five days. I’m also begging for assignment extensions. The simple act of sending this digital message shows that you are proactive to what life throws at you, and even if you really don’t, makes it appear that you care about your schoolwork.

Step Two: ACTUALLY START ON YOUR MISSING WORK                                               Hahaha this is the worst step because it means you actually have to do work, and after spending 5 days doing nothing, who would want to do work? There’s really nothing to say at this point you just kind of got to, do it. It sucks and you could be on your phone getting more animals to visit your campsite, but you’re a student. This is your life until you graduate years and years of school or till the system buries you into the ground. That is the fate of a student.

Step Three: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE EVERYTHING READY FOR THE UPCOMING SCHOOL DAY                                                                                                                     I’m the kind of person who likes to always look tip-top-all-sharp on point, I don’t want people to be able to find flaws in simple petty things, so if you look put together, you pretty much have that out of the way. However, this means having to go to school sick is “h-e double hockey sticks” and most of the time I’d rather skip school, but my parents won’t let me unless I was in large amounts of pain and with a raging fever. So luckily I was for the two missing days. Putting all of that aside, I like to look like I still have my life together in some way, so the night before, set out your outfit, organize your backpack and check if there aren’t any last minute assignments you forgot about. It’ll be worth it just to check.

To all reading, I hope you never have to go through the pain that I did. It’s terrible and the worst and I never want to experience it ever again. Stay hydrated, get lots of sleep and submit your questions to https://goo.gl/forms/BJRMlvdiBgfFuqKq2

“Keep it 10% Pisces and 90% freaky.”

-ab-so-lutely 

School is Stressful, But Everything’s OK I Guess Because La Croixs Only Cost One Whole Dollar at the School Store

la croix sluuuuurpThe best flavor of La Croix is actually the kiwi watermelon one, but the Pamplemousse (grapefruit) can is more iconic. Also, without sparkling water, I’d probably be dehydrated constantly. Another note, the lime flavor is the actual worst. Never drink it, ever.

Welcome back, I’m the zit you keep on covering in toothpaste every night, yet here I still remain in my overwhelmingly prominent, sort-of-obnoxious, advice-giving self, and I’m feeling pretty freaking minty. This week’s topic is how to survive school and If I were to be very honest right now, school keeps me from dissolving into a pile of skin and fat, it gives me some form of meaning to hold onto in life until I can die, or at least till I can hold a job. But other than an anchor to keep me steady, school is stressful, so here’s what small-ish shreds of advice on the topic that I have to dispense.

“What do you do when you have a bad grade?”

-anonymous

Well, depending on how bad the grade is, I cry. Haha just kidding, but I do get very disappointed in myself and sometimes it’s nice to just take a moment, back up and breathe. It’s not going to be the end of the world, one grade won’t kill you (hopefully) and unless it’s the end of the semester, you should have some time to raise it back up. So, the first step in raising up a bad grade depends on what class it’s in. Do you have a struggling grade in math or history? Then finding extra credit should be a little easier. Classes like language arts or science can be a little more complicated to get the boost because most of the points come from essays or labs and you usually have to wait till a test comes near and study hard so you can hopefully raise your grade as a whole. In math and history classes, it’s more likely for your teacher to reveal an extra credit assignment, and it may be really annoying, but if you want that boost, you’re going to have to do it anyways. Other than extra credit, another thing you can do is beg. Not actually, but maybe take some time out of your day, go to your teacher’s room, and tell them about your situation and ask on how you can work with them to help get your grade up.

“How do I stop procrastinating in APHUG??”

-anonymous

If I had the answer for you, I wouldn’t be doing 20 to 30 pages of AP HuG notes the night before a quiz. I don’t have a true answer for this, I’ve failed as an advice blog. So instead of answering the hardest riddle of all time, I’m making this a section into a call for help. Please the advice giver seeks the advice herself, if you have AP HuG tips please send them into me. Sorry to whoever asked this question, I’ve failed you.

“Why do teachers not teach? Some just hand out papers then expect us to learn from work sheets while they are playing angry birds on their phone”

-anonymous

This is absolutely wild. I’ve never heard or even seen a  teacher do this. I have so many questions, how did you find out they were playing angry birds? Did they just tell you, “Work on this paper, I’m going to play angry birds.”? The first part of the question I understand, like we have all had a teacher that does nothing, but the angry birds part just seems so surrealist to me for some reason. Stepping aside from the birds, I think some teacher don’t teach because they’ve gone so many years using this teaching style without students or parents complaining about it, that they think they’re doing fine. Maybe someone did complain to them about their teaching style and they just didn’t care. It’s hard to look inside the inner workings of some teachers, like after years of being in school, they graduate then go back into a school system just in a different role. Everyday a constant stream of teenagers and everyday they’re teaching the same content for three or more classes a day. Personally that sounds maddening, and I think most teachers deserve more credit than what they get. However an infinitely repeating high school lifestyle doesn’t dismiss teacher’s from not teaching. It’s in the job title, teachers.

I’m someone who likes to be fully aware of their faults. So I’m just going to point out the digital elephant in this internet room and say, this advice is not that good. I’m sorry to disappoint you folks, I have deprived you of sweet advice, but it’s fine because this blog updates every Friday! Fun fun for everyone. Submit your questions that need to be quenched at: https://goo.gl/forms/BJRMlvdiBgfFuqKq2

“Keep it 10% squeezy, and 90% freaky”

– ab-so-lutely

An Anagram for Romance Can be “MAN CORE” and That’s Pretty Great

eatt ur ceral

A hand drawn illustration I made, just for you

Hey there my Honey Nut Cheerios®, I’m that weird bee mascot on the cereal box and I’m here to feed you with knowledge that’s the nutrient equivalent to that tasty, crunchy, treat, Honey Nut Cheerios®. And just like the fantastic Honey Nut Cheerios® memorable slogan says, “Advice on love? It’s GRRReat!” We’re going to be breaking down your questions about romance.

“I’ve been at a new school for a couple months now and there is this guy I like. He is funny and kind to me but I have been told I shouldn’t like him…what do I do? Should I ask him about why people have said that stuff to me? I think it is too early to tell him I like him but I don’t know for sure….please help!”

-miss feelings

Confessing to someone can make or break your experience with that person for a looong time. I’m wiping away a proud parental tear for you miss feelings, for you recognized the same thing and that already has you set on the path of getting to where you want to be. Let’s break it down. Step 1. What are your friends saying about this guy? Since you’re new to this school, I’m sure they were here before you so they’ve been in this guy’s class longer, so don’t forget to recognize the weight of your friend’s opinion. Are they just annoyed by this guy, or are they actual critiques on his character? Most of the time your friends want what’s best for you, so although it may seem contradicting with how he treats you, your friends may be pointing out the red flags you’ve managed to miss. Next, Step 2. Once you’ve evaluated your friends’ advice, look deep inside yourself, reach your arm way down inside of you and think, “Do I see a future with this person?” If you see a future then do some more thinking before you act, but if you think that maybe he’s just a crush, go with it. Your friends may think he’s annoying but hopefully that’s it, and anyways, it’s a crush. They happen all the time, and many are made even when you’re aware of how impossible it is. The worse it could become is a tender memory you look back onto when you’re an adult, feeling nostalgic for puppy love and then suddenly anxious at realizing how time truly will wait for no one.

“How do you survive high school with out a boyfriend?? 😱”

anonymous

Dear anonymous, there are two ways you can take how you’re feeling right now, but first you have to identify what you really want. Do you want to get a boyfriend, or do you just want tips on not having one, because there are plenty of ways to survive high school without a bf/gf. First off, find joy in being alone, like sure you don’t have a boyfriend but what about a best-friend? Cherish the people around you who you just happen to not be romantically associated with, and if you really want a bf/gf that badly, then you can work for it. People aren’t going to fall head-over-heels unless you go out of your way to leave an impression on them, and sometimes that requires stepping out of your comfort zone. I have dreamed of a world where I can do absolutely nothing and still get people to like me, but sadly that world would never be. So although it’s the devastating truth, if you want a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve got to put effort into it.

What are some easy ways to connect with someone so your relationship actually can go somewhere?

anonymous

Well if you’re trying to become close to them in the first place, talking is the key point in any relationship, whether it’s platonic or not. Talk-talk-talk, it’s the easiest thing you can do to make any relationship closer. The next level is taking in the information you’ve been learning about them through simply talking and see what they’re interests are in. A good friendship/relationship usually has one interest in common and that one thing can keep a duo going for a while. So if they recommend something as small as a video or a podcast, check it out, because not only are you finding more common interests within one another, but you’re also discovering new interests or hobbies that you may have never been able to discover yourself. The last piece of advice I have to drop onto you is to spend time with whoever you want to connect with further. Everything I’ve listed out sounds pretty cliché and overused, but it’s true. If you want to further your relationship with someone, it can’t just be built of one block, it’s the small interactions and the big ones. Whether it’s as small as eye contact, or asking them out, it’s about taking the initiative to further the relationship yourself in multitudes of ways. However, just like the end credits of Mulan®, you need to stay true o your heart, also pretend to be your dad and lead an army during the Northern Wei dynasty.

Oh wow! I wrote a lot more than I had originally thought. This is one intimidating chunky piece of meat writing. If I had to define this piece as a cut of meat it would definitely be the Wedge Bone Sirloin Steak. Thanks for reading so far into this beefy mess, and feel free to submit any questions you need to satisfy with meat advice to: https://goo.gl/forms/Laiu9dxI8FxSZ9JB2

“Keep it 10% beefy, and 90% freaky”

-ab-so-lutely

 

“Wahh Wahh” Call the Nurse Because it Sounds like a Blog is Being Born

disgusting flesh baby

Hey my little advice-starved-chicks, welcome to ab-SO-lutely the type of advice blog that’ll quench your thirst for self help. I’m the farmer and I have some nice advice corn to throw into your tiny bird mouths, but before I do that, here’s my review of two other blogs that co-exist online with the same purpose as me.

The first blog on the agenda is “Advice From a Twenty Something”. My first reaction is what happens when she turns 30? Will her blog name change every decade? Will she spend her 29th birthday in dread, knowing that she’ll have to change the branding of her blog? I checked her bio and it says she’s 28 right now, and if I was her, I’d think of re-branding soon. The second thing I noticed about this blog was how easy it was on the eyes!  She has taken the minimalist aesthetic and I’m loving it. All you need is a plain white background, thin-lettered-all-cap fonts and that’s an instant 5 stars from me.

The next advice blog I checked out was a blog called, “Anything Advice Blog- advice blog for everyone about anything.” a smart move to take on an entire plethora of advice rather than sticking to one. Not only were they wise on what they’re hosting the blog about, they also have ten different admin. What a dream, imagine only having to post less than once a week with no consequences at all. Delicious, a world in which you can put in little to no work and still collect the riches.

That’s all I have for this week folks, I realize it’s probably disappointing to read an entire blog post about advice and get no advice out of it like a broken vending machine, but just wait. Next week will be the start of a new self help era, so get ready to really advice yourself up, and if you want to send in your own questions in to be fulfilled, send them here: https://goo.gl/forms/z0nmHgErEUKttI572

“Keep it 10% leaky and 90% freaky”

-ab-so-lutely